there were moments this morning that were so peaceful it was surreal; kids playing all sweetly & together, the coffee was perfect, the moon full as it set & the skies turning a grey yellow. i even think a record was playing. i just sat on the couch trying to memorize it all, burn it into my memory.
knowing of course i am not alone, i feel completely alone these days. working through so many parts of my identity -- my role as wife, mother, homeschool teacher, daughter, friend... there are parts of all these roles that are in various stages of ruin, which is a great place to see that i can't do anything on my own. i am grateful that i can rest in the peace promised to us, but there is still all the sorting to do. i can't just leave it, pretend it's not there, or wish someone else could do it.
i am angry & sad, clear & confused, a walking contradiction to be sure.
this last year or so has been all about the ugly beautiul, the enormity of both, & how they exist together. & how i have to accept both.
because really, that's the only truth.
