there were moments this morning that were so peaceful it was surreal; kids playing all sweetly & together, the coffee was perfect, the moon full as it set & the skies turning a grey yellow. i even think a record was playing. i just sat on the couch trying to memorize it all, burn it into my memory.
knowing of course i am not alone, i feel completely alone these days. working through so many parts of my identity -- my role as wife, mother, homeschool teacher, daughter, friend... there are parts of all these roles that are in various stages of ruin, which is a great place to see that i can't do anything on my own. i am grateful that i can rest in the peace promised to us, but there is still all the sorting to do. i can't just leave it, pretend it's not there, or wish someone else could do it.
i am angry & sad, clear & confused, a walking contradiction to be sure.
this last year or so has been all about the ugly beautiul, the enormity of both, & how they exist together. & how i have to accept both.
because really, that's the only truth.
this rings, as clear as a bell, with me.
ReplyDeleteall the sorting, it's lonely work! and the contradictions...the ugly beautiful...that's the hard part of it, isn't it?
so easy to praise and delight when the gentle breeze blows in the curtains and all is well with my soul. it's not as easy during the dark nights when i wrestle with the big questions and the who/what/when/where/why/hows.
i feel like the only truth i hold dear right now is not one of us knows anything for sure. <3